The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley
Well I can tell you this, if I hear one more sad, sob story from my lady friends where they were “done wrong” by a man/their dude or how they are soooo hurt because of the actions of another I am going to scream! No I’m not insensitive nor unreasonable, quite the opposite. I just realize that too often these very women are ENABLING, ALLOWING, almost ENCOURAGING such behavior by constantly giving away their POWER!
Now I DO realize that understanding our worth is the first step and too often because we are sooo broken we aren’t quite able to do this. THAT I get! However, WHEN are WE gonna realize that people will continue to do to us what we allow them to do.
If we think of our “WORTH” as we do the worth and value we put on our things, then perhaps we’ll apply the same rules and demand the same ROI (return on our investment). When we value something we protect it right? We tend to treat it with care and aren’t as eager to allow anyone to mistreat it no willingly give it away. We should do the same with ourselves.
Life is best learned through examples right? Well here are a few scenarios [real life tragedies] that may help to paint the picture of the pain we inflict upon ourselves:
1. You just met him and have been ‘involved’ with him for say a month or perhaps without a good grasp of the basic fundamentals of WHO he is…..you move him into to your place where you and your child(ren) live. Come again!! Let him EARN his way into your life!
THIS has been played out everywhere (just watch Maury)! Why must we feel the need to move a grown man into our homes especially when we have a child/children so soon? There should be a grace period of sorts, like when you start a new job. Even employers enact the 90 day trial period where you are typically NOT fully ’employed’ until that probation period ends. Why not you with that new man in your life? TRUST if a man wants to be with you or feels you are worthy, he will wait or respect your wishes or hell have enough going on for himself that he is not eager to just move in with you.
2. You go out solely to find a man, new suitor, etc.
THIS is so wrong and setting you up for a letdown. Why? Because your level of enjoyment is measured by the off-chance you happen to meet someone vs the how much you enjoyed yourself in general. Since as far back as I can remember, I have always gone out with the only expectation of enjoying myself and having a good time. 9 times out of 10 I have done just that – HAD A GREAT TIME and it had nothing to do with meeting someone. Usually I have met another just because I wasn’t pressed to do so AND I was seen as loving life or atleast that moment. When you put your happiness in meeting someone else you’re really setting yourself up as your outing success will always be measured by whom you met.
There is nothing more exciting than a woman out having a grand time and enjoying life. This woman ALWAYS gets attention for nothing more than enjoying the space she’s in!
3. Understand your DEAL BREAKERS; or perhaps set some! Deal breakers are those things I like to refer to as non-negotiables when dealing with others. Although few things are 1 size fits all if you live by those things that should they occur the relationship would forever be changed [if not over altogether] then you’ll have a better understanding of WHAT you’ll tolerate. They should not be anything you find acceptable or say once they occur you then change it for fear of losing the relationship or individual.
For example: if domestic violence is something you identify as your deal breaker (let’s be honest some may roll their eyes at this as a given but many women deal with this but say they wouldn’t) well the minute it occurs no matter the reason then you must understand and execute upon the actions you’ve set as the consequence.
If cheating is just something you refuse to tolerate then the moment it happens it is non-negotiable, relationship changed or over. You must MEAN it. Anything you say that you negate on will lose its’ power immediately!
This can be a hard pill to swallow but it puts the power in your hands and not that of another. How do you ask? Say you have no such deal breaker and God-forbid a situation occurs. Most likely, they’ll apologize, you’ll accept because they didn’t mean it and you’ll both attempt to move on. Well now that threshold has been reached and there were no consequences so what’s to prevent it from occurring again? Nothing. In many cases when anything you’ve said you wouldn’t tolerate occurs and yet you forgive it, the ‘levy’ has been weakened. Think about that.
4. Being a ‘nice’ person is no excuse for being foolish/used!
So what your “friend” only has “X” amount of dollars until pay day or to go out with or to get from point A to point B. Giving him money when you barely have a pot to piss in or steady income or able to really take care of yourself is unacceptable!! (true story by the way). I, myself am a generous person in general and not just with a man but with all my friends. However I give WHAT I want, because I want and not because of an expectation of getting something in return such as say the affection of another. You see there IS a difference. This person wanted this man so bad that she gave him monies she really didn’t have and this man went on his way with not so much as a call until nearly 2 months later. The Hell?? We have to be more careful!
5. Demand and EXPECT respect!
Again people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. A man will only do TO you what you let him. If it doesn’t ‘feel’ good it probably isn’t good for you. A man worthy of your time, attention, care, and love will recognize the quality of all of those things and what it takes to get them. We should never fear losing someone due to our demand for respect or to be treated fairly! If they are so willing and quick to leave then really how bad did they wanna be there in the first place?