Rules of Engagement….engaging a mate!

looking for love

Chances are you’re in a relationship, just ending a relationship, wanting a relationship, recovering from your last relationship or just plain thinking about a relationship.  Everything is about a relationship today; if you’re single someone’s trying to hook you up with someone or wondering why you’re single; if you’re dating the talk is all about keeping the relationships together.

Let’s face it, we all think about them, desire to be in one, and/or long to share our lives with someone but often the challenge lies in the first step:  actually meeting someone who meets our ‘standards’ in order to begin creating a lasting and loving relationship.

Personally I think there are some simple, common sense type things that can open the doors to just meeting people….believe it or not that is the biggest complaint of a lot of women – how do I just meet a man, where are the men.

Agree or disagree but these things I have found to aid in both meeting men and keeping the attention of men:

1.  You gotta have an open mind.

We are often so closed minded that we keep ourselves from meeting people because we’re so quick to judge or think every man is trying to get with us.  How bout looking at meeting people as a means of making a new connection.  Next time you’re out anywhere, if a man speaks, uh speak back.  If a man is being friendly, there’s no harm in returning in kind.  It doesn’t mean he’s the man for you or trying to holler or that you have go out with him, it just simply shows you as personable or atleast open and approachable.  Either way what does it hurt.  Think of it as helping you put out good energy.  Trust I am well aware that when you’re at your local grocery store and you are approached, it is the last thing you want but say hello and graciously keep walking down the frozen food aisle.

2.  Get out and enjoy yourself, LIVE!

Since my young adult years I can remember hearing women complain about not having a good time while out for the eve solely because they didn’t meet anyone.  HUH?  My philosophy was always to go out because I wanted to get out and have a good time.  In that I was guaranteed to end the night pretty satisfied and usually ended up meeting someone.  Why? Because if you’re out enjoying yourself (i.e. not on the hunt and looking for a mate) then that shows in your attitude and men are attracted to that.  Most importantly though you had a good time because you allowed yourself to and not because you met a man.  Create a life for you so that you actually have something to share when your mate crosses your path.

Too often my women-friends have kept themselves from doing certain things because they didn’t have a date, or felt that it would be a couples event, or planned their entire evening on the chance of meeting a mate.  WRONG!  Get out there, go to that fancy restaurant, go to the Holiday party (take a she-thang/female friend), go on that trip you’ve been thinking about.  If you get out and just LIVE you never know, instead of getting out to find a mate you just may find yourself!

3.  Keep your “Mate Wishlist” and be cognizant of what you truly want in a mate but be open to make concessions (without jeopardizing your deal breakers, of course that means you know what your deal breakers are….).

We all have/had a “Mate Wishlist” or shall I say, the things we look for and desire in a mate.  First of all we must be realistic about what we want/desire in a mate.  Too often we say our mate must have all these things, yet none of which we have ourselves or have had in a mate.  That’s not fair.

Additionally, the reality is sometimes the person for you does not fall into that which you think/thought you desire(d) while their other characteristics far surpass your wants/needs.   For instance you prefer tall guys yet you meet a guy who’s personality pops (if that’s your thing), is chivalrous, open, has a career, kind, treats you like a lady, etc.  Well do you miss out on what could be a great guy because you’ve turned your nose at this guy because he’s not that tall?  I say no.

dating deal breakersSomeone near and dear to me met a guy, very attractive, creative, artist-type, good age – not too young not too old, open, chivalrous, a little mysterious, kinda marches to his own beat, but he was a small guy both in height and stature, he was also somewhat of a nomad with a life very different than hers.  Well initially it was just meeting to put a heartbeat with the online presence.  As the layers peeled back, his character, which she is most concerned with in a potential mate, spoke volumes so that his stature was less of an issue and so too was his lifestyle.  It then developed into a full on relationship that has continued to blossom.  She often reflects on how she would not have had this opportunity if she put her “Mate Wishlist” in stone without any wiggle room.

4.  For women…..(sorry men)…..the man MUST want/like you just a little bit more than you want/like him.

I don’t know why this is but there’s so much truth to it.  H/she who is in demand/wanted has the power.  It seems as though when the man wants, desires, and/or likes the woman more, he is more apt to go above and beyond to win her over; more willing to put in the work to secure her affection.

This is not about games as I don’t believe in playing games with people’s feelings, however it’s about taking your time and allowing the man to put in some work.  Women today and particularly of a ‘particular age’ are so quick to chase men that the man knows he has the upper hand and therefore doesn’t work as hard to get or keep the woman.  Now I’m not saying NOT to go after what you want because I’m all about that, but leave a little mystery in it so that you can be chased.

5.  Live in your truth, be YOU!

Who are you? What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you like Fall or Winter?

Yes, compromise is a part of life and most certainly a part of our interactions with other people.  However, let’s not sell ourselves short nor be anyone other than who we are when we meet someone or engage these relationships.  Always know your worth and know that a man worthy of you will accept you, he will meet you where you are, he will be willing to do the work, he will respect you.   Know that he who does not think you are worthy, see your worth nor value your worth is not deserving of you/your time and it’s OKAY.

For example, you just met and he invites you out.  He insists on picking you up at your home but that’s not really your thing when first meeting someone (rightfully so).  Instead of understanding that and accepting it by agreeing to some other meet up location, he gets an attitude or says something crazy.  Um, THIS is clearly not anyone you should want to deal with past this point.  It really is that simple.  You have to be true to yourself and value your worth as much as you would/should want someone else to.  The core of who you are, your morals, standards and principles should be adhered to and if they aren’t it is perfectly okay to PASS on he who does not accept nor respect that.

These are but a few rules of engagement.

Nothing of course if foolproof but this is atleast a start to preserving oneself.  All in all we must go with our gut instincts, follow our hearts while still using our heads.  Above all else don’t just settle for someone because they are the only ones available…..YOU are always available to yourself if you make it so.  You are faaaar more attractive if you are seen as a hot commodity!

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Combating Emotional Vampires

Relationships are always an energy exchange. To continue feeling our best, we must ask ourselves: Who gives us energy? Who saps it? It’s important to be surrounded by supportive, heart-centered people who make us feel safe and secure. It’s equally important to pinpoint the emotional vampires, who, whether they intend to or not, leech our energy.

To protect your sensitivity, it’s imperative to name and combat these emotional vampires. They’re everywhere: co-workers, neighbors, family, and even friends. Through my work in energy psychiatry, I’ve treated a revolving door of patients who’ve been hit hard by drainers — a mental health epidemic that conventional medicine doesn’t recognize. I’m horrified by how many of these “emotionally walking wounded” (ordinarily perceptive, intelligent individuals) have become resigned to chronic anxiety or depression.

Why the blind spot? Most of us haven’t been educated about draining people or how we can emancipate ourselves from their clutches – requisite social skills for anyone who desires freedom. Emotional draining is a touchy subject. We don’t know how to tactfully address our needs without alienating others. The result is that we become tongue-tied or destructively passive. We ignore the warning from our gut that screams, “Beware!” Or, quaking in our boots, we’re so afraid of the faux pas of appearing “impolite” that we become martyrs in lieu of being respectfully assertive. We don’t speak out because we don’t want to be seen as “difficult” or uncaring.

Vampires do more than drain our physical energy. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you’re an unworthy, unlovable wretch who doesn’t deserve any better. The subtler species inflict damage that’s more of a slow burn. Smaller digs here and there can make you feel badly about yourself, such as, “Dear, I see you’ve put on a few pounds,” or “It’s not lady-like to interrupt.” In a flash, they’ve zapped you by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.

This is my credo for vampires: Their antics are unacceptable, and you must develop a successful plan for coping with them. I deeply believe in the merciful message of the Lord’s Prayer to “forgive people their trespasses,” but I’m also a proponent of preventing the unconscious or mean-spirited from trespassing against us. Taking a stand against draining people is a form of self-care and canny communication that you must practice to give your freedom its own legs!

What turns someone into an emotional vampire? First, a psychological reason: Children often reflexively mimic their parents’ most unflattering traits. A self-absorbed father can turn you into a self-absorbed son. Early modeling has impact. Studies of Holocaust survivors reveal that many became abusive parents themselves.

The second explanation involves subtle energy. I’ve observed that childhood trauma — mistreatment, loss, parental alcoholism, illness — can weaken a person’s energy. This energy leakage may condition those with such early wounds to draw on the vitality of others to compensate; this isn’t something most of us are even aware of. Nevertheless, the effects can be extreme. Visualize an octopus-like tendril extending from its energy field and glomming onto yours. Your intuition may register this as sadness, anger, fatigue, or a cloying, squirrelly feeling. The degree of mood change or physical reaction may vary. A vampire’s effects can stun like a sonic blast or make you slowly wilt. But it’s the rare drainer that sets out to purposely enervate you. The majority act unconsciously, oblivious to being an emotional drain.

emotional vampires imageLet me tell you the secret of how an energy vampire operates — so you can outsmart one.

A vampire goes in for the kill by stirring up your emotions. Pushing your buttons throws you off-center, which renders you easier to drain. Of all the emotional types, empaths are often the most devastated. However, certain emotional states increase everyone’s vulnerability. I myself am most susceptible to emotional vampires when I feel desperate, tired, or disempowered. Here are some other ways you can feel most at risk:

– Low self-esteem
– Depression
– A victim mentality
– Fear of asserting yourself
– Addiction to people-pleasing

When encountering emotional vampires, see what you can learn, too. It’s your choice. You can simply feel tortured, resentful, and impotent. Or, as I try to do, ask yourself, “How can this interchange help me grow?” Every nanosecond of life – good, bad, or indifferent — is a chance to become more emotionally free and enlarge your heart. If you’re to have any hope of breaking war-mongering patterns, you must play a part. As freedom fighters, strive to view vampires as opportunities to enlist your highest self and not become a sucker for negativity. Then you’ll leave smelling like a rose, even with major league Draculas.

Exercise 1: Determine If You Have an Emotional Vampire in Your Life

Anyone who has ever shared an office, car pool, or attended a family dinner with a vampire can attest to experiencing some common emotional side effects. Even after a brief contact, you feel worse; they feel better. To find out if you’ve been bled, watch for these signs.

– Your eyelids get heavy; you’re ready for a nap
– You feel put down, or like the rug was pulled out from under you
– Your mood takes a nose-dive
– You have an urge to binge on carbs or comfort food
– You feel sniped at or agitated

In addition, sometimes intuitive flashes and dreams can raise a red flag. For example, following a dinner I attended where the guests had something negative to say about everything, I experience a dream in which I was bombarded by a storm of leeches. Similarly, after a critical friend skewered one of my patients, she felt as if she’d fallen to the bottom of a well. Another patient dreamed that a pigeon pooped on her head — splat, there it was: her reaction to a nasty altercation with her apartment’s superintendent. Whether you’re awake or asleep, note any telling imagery that conveys emotion. This will help you identify a vampire.

Take an inventory of the people in your life who are potential drainers. List all your key family members, friends, and co-workers in a column; run down the list to see if any of them have an adverse affect on you when you’re in their company (or even simply on the phone with them).

Exercise 2: Take Time to Be With a Positive Person

Plan at least one complete afternoon with people who give off positive energy. Notice how this beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being.

Be well!

(The following is an excerpt from the “Combating Emotional Vampires” online course by Dr. Judith Orloff.)

 

Soul mates…..do you believe???

(From the Better Living Guide and worth sharing)

Do you truly believe your soul mate is out there?

Believing that your soul mate is out there is critical to the preparation of manifesting him or her into your life. The basic law of attraction states that you will attract to you those things that match your state of belief. I believe the universe is always mirroring back to us our beliefs about ourselves and the world. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience. If we believe the world is a chaotic, stressful and fearful place, then that becomes our reality. So, believing and knowing that your soul mate is out there is part of the formula for manifestation.

If you do not yet believe with 100% certainty that your soul mate is out there, let’s begin to look for things that will make a believer out of you. Do you believe you are lovable? If you are reading this, then I am certain you are lovable. Why? Because, lovable people want more love in their lives.

If you believe you are not lovable, however, I’m going to ask you to challenge that belief. Take a moment to identify at least three (or more) lovable traits you possess, such as being generous, compassionate, friendly, kind, considerate, thoughtful, interesting, funny, etc. Write these traits down, then memorize them. You will be using them shortly for your treasure map.

I know many very attractive, successful single people who hold negative, limiting beliefs when it comes to finding their soul mate. The list usually goes something like this:

– I’m too old.
– I’m too fat.
– I’m too damaged.
– I have too much baggage.
– I am too successful.
– I am not successful enough.
– All the goods are taken.
– Nobody who I want, wants me.

These are just knee-jerk excuses to keep yourself stuck. There is plenty of evidence that love is available to everyone regardless of age, weight, income, or any other feeble excuse.

What if I told you that it’s not your job to know how your soul mate is going to appear? It’s only your job to be ready, willing, and open to love. You don’t really know where air or water comes from, but you totally believe that they are there for you. As a human being, you know that air and water are your divine right. You know that no matter what mistakes you have made in the past, you are still going to wake up every day and have access to air and water.

The same is true for love. It is there for you – it has always been there for you. You just need to remember your own lovable traits. Once you do, the universe will deliver to you the perfect soul mate.

There is nothing for you to do. There is only one way for you to be.

– Be the loving person that you are.
– Live knowing that you are in a loving, committed relationship.
– Live that truth every day as you savor waiting for your beloved to arrive.
– Listen to your intuition spurring you to take action whenever opportunities present themselves.

Soul mate entrance exam:
(Answer yes, no, or unsure for each question.)
– Do you believe your soul mate is out there?
– Are you ready to meet your soul mate today? Right now?
– If your soul mate had the ability to observe your life right now, would you be proud of what they would see?
– Are you psychologically and physically in your best condition to meet your soul mate?
– Is your home ready to receive your soul mate?
– Have you made a list of ten qualities you want in your soul mate?
– Do you regularly exhibit the qualities you believe your soul mate would be most attracted to?
– Are there past lovers who still have their energetic hooks in you?
– Are you at peace with the possibility that you may never meet your soul mate? Do you truly believe you’ll have a great life if you never meet them?

If you answered “no” to even one of these questions, you may be unconsciously blocking your soul mate from coming into your life.

Have you ever wondered what it takes to find the love of your life? Is it your dream to find a life-partner who will love, cherish, and adore you?

Finding true love is possible for anyone at any age if you’re willing to prepare yourself, on all levels, to become a magnet for love. This wonderful universe of ours is set up to deliver people who are consistent with our personal belief system. If you don’t believe you will ever find the one, then guess what? You get to be right: you probably won’t.

If, however, you learn to believe that the one is not only out there, but is also looking for you, then true love can be yours. My grandmother always told me there’s a lid for every pot. In other words, there is a match — a perfect partner — for every person. Even so, I have to admit that there were many, many times in my thirties when I questioned this because I still hadn’t found the lid to my pot.

Then one day, something happened that really solidified in me the belief that my soul mate was out there … somewhere. I was watching Oprah and she had Barbra Streisand on the show. Streisand had recently fallen in love with James Brolin, and I remember thinking, “Here is this super-wealthy, ultra-famous diva – how many men could be a match for her?” And then I realized, if Barbra Streisand could find somebody, then I’ll be a piece of cake! I knew in that moment, with absolute certainty, that if the universe had the perfect man for Barbra Streisand, then my soul mate was definitely out there. I also knew that I needed to prepare myself on every level to magnetize him into my life.

At that point in my life I was working from home, and the only men I ever met were delivery guys – and most of them were already married! I began using everything I had ever learned about manifestation, psychology, spirituality, and the law of attraction and applied it to my love life. My intentions became crystal-clear while I simultaneously cleared out the clutter from my houseand my heart. I learned and invented techniques, rituals, visualizations, and prayers that helped me prepare my body, mind, spirit, and home for an amazing relationship. And they worked.

Within six months of getting serious about manifesting my soul mate, I met my husband, Brian, who has exceeded all my desires and expectations. He is everything I ever wished for.

Does this really work?

Well, it worked for me, and it recently worked for my mother-in-law, Peggy. After a 55-year marriage followed by five years as a widow, Peggy, now 80, set the intention of finding a companion. Within a few months, Peggy met John, who had also enjoyed a 50-plus-year marriage before his wife died. Today, Peggy and John are like teenagers in love, enjoying the joy of re-discovering big love in their golden years.

Whether you are 28 or 88, it’s never too late.

Daily prayer for preparing to meet your soul mate: God/Goddess and All That Is: In this moment, I am grateful for the healing in my heart of everything that would stop me from having my soul mate appear. In this moment, I remember that my perfect, right partner is magnetizing to me, and my only job is to rest in perfect awareness that his/her heart is already joined with mine as I savor the waiting.

And so it is.

Can’t blame them if you’ve given THEM your power….

Sigh….I am at such a loss when chatting with my folks as they cry and complain about the behavior of an ex, or soon to be ex or current partner or friend etc.  When are we going to realize that we hold the key to WHO we deal with, HOW we deal with them, and WHEN or IF we deal with them??

It’s not enough to merely speak on what you will and will not put up with when you continue to put up with said behavior.  We have to remember that we control our own lives and people can only do to us what we allow them to by what we allow them to do.

In relationships, which so many are so desperate for, we often give passes to piss poor behavior yet wonder why ‘he’ continues to display the same behavior.  Listen, we’ve all been suckers for love and even convinced ourselves that the relationship is value-add and worthy when we know and feel otherwise.  It’s not enough to just be with someone if we are left to feel empty, disrespected, and all around neglected.  Relationships are challenging enough as it is but when we allow ourselves to be at the mercy of the relationship versus guiding and cultivating it by holding steadfast to set standards we are giving our power away.

Too often, we give those who bring so little to the table, too much of our power by not setting boundaries for ourselves and holding people accountable for their actions.  More often than not, our desire for love, acceptance, attention, lack of self-worth etc. far outweigh our personal standards or guiding principles.  When this imbalance occurs, we are more apt to accept damn near anything from anybody which largely leads to mistreatment, emptiness and a diminished power.

Preservation of self is key to ensuring you aren’t sacrificing your self-respect for the sake of being a party for 2.   People ‘tell’ you who they are all the time merely by their behavior(s) in the day to day.  If you choose to ignore what their actions are telling you then you can truly only blame yourself for they are doing exactly what you have given them permission to.  Instead of blaming other people, say the dude who cheats yet we come back each and every single time, how bout we look internally to determine why we’ve turned a blind eye to the behavior; that we have somehow given him a free pass to do so by our mere acceptance of it.  No, we can’t make anyone do anything he/she does not want to do but trust that we can always force the hand by controlling what WE do in response to someone else’s actions.

We can’t focus on others so much as we can on ourselves when it comes to acceptable behavior for we must first define, understand, communicate (through our actions and acceptance) what we expect and will tolerate in a consistent fashion.  So I charge everyone with reclaiming or reassessing your power and ensuring that you relinquish only to those who are deserving through proven consistent actions.

Be well!

 

When a Woman’s Fed Up…

So you probably think this will be some long rant about men doing women wrong or how men are bad and trifling and there are no good men out there.  Well no….not exactly!  Instead this is more about women finding their strength, their voice to not subject themselves to relationships that leave them feeling disrespected, dazed and confused.

Surely we all have or have had that one friend who continues to allow herself to be disrespected, disregarded, and otherwise treated unkind in her relationship.  For some of us watching this train wreck from the sidelines it is easy to resort to name calling as we attempt to get her to see that the relationship and/or partner is no good for her.  For a small number of us we see the train wreck yet do what we can to just support our friend while reassuring her that we will be there as a friend with no judgment or criticism of her relationship.

No matter which role we play, we can all agree on one thing and that is the fact that a woman will only choose to end a relationship once she is fed up or simply has had ENOUGH!  This threshold of “enough” varies based on our perception of our self-worth, our value system, confidence levels, self-esteem and overall tolerance.

It IS hard to watch a loved one or anyone you care about put themselves through such unnecessary grief but only she who is in the relationship can make the choice to remove herself and typically that ONLY happens when she has truly become fed up.  A relationship, although trying at times should NOT be an ongoing battle of blatant disrespect no matter the situation.

It is truly like watching a really bad movie yet being unable to press stop.  You know, screaming at the actors on the screen, yelling instructions to them and shaking your head at the obvious.    YET, it’s as if no one hears you, the bad movie continues with the actors executing their story lines.  Much like the many women day in and day who execute their story lines because they aren’t strong enough to do otherwise.  The only you can do is sit back and watch while hoping the ‘movie’ ends soon.

There is no greater lie than the one women tell themselves and only when they get T I R E D will they face the music and dig deep to choose better.  You see, we all get tired of something and only then do we have [find] the courage to change our situation versus allowing the situation to change us.  There is nothing anyone can say to convince her to leave for she will only leave or discontinue the disrespect when she is fed up.

As in life, everything is a process and she who feels trapped or stuck in a nothing relationship will tire of the lies (to herself and others) and will realize she is much better than that which she is allowing.

So I challenge you to ponder the following:

– Does this feel good to me (a certain behavior, interaction, etc.)?

– Have I thought that I deserve better?

– Do I compensate for his bad behavior (thru excuses I make on his behalf; lies I tell myself/others)?

– Does this add to or take away from who I am as a person?

When will you be fed up?

 

What are YOU bringing to the table?

Ahhhh the expectations of dating and meeting a mate in this new dating world or shall I say what one partner seeks in the next.

You’ve heard them and probably have your own “what I want in a partner” requirements:

God-fearing, tall, dark, independently wealthy, kids/no kids, a certain age, swirly, exotic, never been married, passionate, chivalrous, have some business about themselves, independent, and so on and so forth.

What I have found interesting of late is just how many of ‘us’ with these so called “partner wishlist” who themselves aren’t exactly bringing much to the table.

Case in point:  With the turn of the tables wherein women are breadwinners, go-getters, paving the way, and living their lives, I’ve heard single men constantly speak of the desire to have a woman who is independent, productive be it in school or with a job/career and doing/living well.  HOWEVER these same men are the very ones living hand to mouth, whose lives are in shambles or say bringing less than what they themselves are seeking in another while having just their own ass to wipe.  Huh?

Men are not alone however.

Case in point:  I’ve had single female friends with a long laundry list of wants and desires in their potential mate.  We’ve all heard it from one friend-girl to another – I want a man who makes a good living (some have the nerve to put a 6-figure tag on it), no kids, never married, drives a luxury vehicle, lives in this type of home, has this type of career, likes to travel, blah blah blah.  YET this same friend-girl is bringing NOTHING even close to this to the table.  Exsqueeze me???

Or, my favorite has been my friend-girls who focus solely on the materialistic things (which in today’s society with all this easy access to everything most people do unfortunately – not I but I digress).   Materialistic things say nothing about the person except perhaps they have expensive tastes.   I’ve long been a proponent of looking at the character of a person as character is WHO someone is no matter the situation which in the end will always tell you more about how they would be as a potential mate. Remember, just because a man has a nice car doesn’t mean he’s financially stable; no more than a man with say expendable cash will spend HIS expendable cash on you.  We have to dig deeper in our quest to pair up with another and usually, no it must ALWAYS begin with ourselves.

So the message here is simple, we need to take stock in ourselves by first being realistic about who we are, where we are in lives – our own lives, what we have to offer (really), and what truly matters to us at the end of the day.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves or others but realistically you are probably more likely to attract the things you seek and desire if you yourself are/possess those things (ever heard how “like attracts like”).

At the same token we must be OPEN as we’re hopefully out living our lives (not just on the search for a mate) because oftentimes he/she who is for us does not always appear in the form of our ‘list’.   It’s not always WHERE a person is in their lives that matters if they have the tools, vision, desire and drive to proceed to the next step/phase of their lives.  Meaning we must know what matters and allow that to be the deciding factor as to whether a person is worthy at each step of the courtship!

What are YOU bringing to the table?

~Selena Dawn

 

When your shoes don’t fit……

How many times have you seen a banging pair of heels only to realize they do not have your size? How often have you sacrificed a little pain and discomfort for the sake of copping that banging pair in a half-size too small?  I’m sure many can relate and would gladly raise a hand or two.

Wearing an ill-fitted shoe is not only uncomfortable but can also lead to all sorts of problems with the tipsy-toes.  Well how bout that ill-fitted relationship?  Yeah you thought this was about the shoegame but alas my dear we’re digging deep to the damage we – yes ladies, ‘we’ – cause ourselves by staying in relationships that are ill-fitted and usually for all the wrong reasons even when the signs are written all up and through the relationship.

Let’s be real, nothing and no one is perfect – goes without saying but before anyone mentioned it I figured I’d put it out first – however a relationship should at best and on most days be comfortable and consistent for starters.  Just like forcing a size 8 into a size 7 creates discomfort if not pain, forcing a man to be with you through trickery, lies you tell yourself, neglecting your worth, ignoring his actions which says he wants something else, damaging your self-esteem and securities (to name a few) creates much of the same.

What He SAYS vs What He DOES

Love that does not come freely should not be a love that you want.  Now that does not mean that the first sign of struggle or challenge you throw in the towel, no quite the opposite you should fight for a love that is worthy.  Both parties though must be fighting FOR and not against the relationship for it to be a fight worth having.  If a man proclaims his feelings for you yet his actions show he’s still hung up on an ex or ‘looking’ for other women/encounters then his word should not carry ANY weight.  Ask his intent and make your decision.

True Story:  You’re in a relationship (together) and he says he wants to be with you yet he only sees you when it’s convenient for him, on a whim, in spurts.  He spends more time with or interests in an ex or BM or ex-wife or any of the other ladies of leisure.  Umm, I’m gonna say he only wants you when he wants you – for convenience sake – and not because he wants to build something with you or is really feeling you.   Ask his intent and make your decision.  Do NOT spend your time investigating and researching if he’s already showed you his intent…..move on.

If a man says he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him.  Choosing to still entertain him because he has a weak moment only hurts yourself.  When we choose to engage in situations where it’s clear the other person has other plans then saying to oneself that “I’m just getting what I can” or “he got that goodgood” is selling yourself short and in most cases setting you up for something you’re not prepared to handle.   At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and to be wanted.  To convince yourself that you are does not make it so.

Valuables and Worth:  The choice to be with another is just that – a CHOICE – and one that each should make willingly.  Please understand the difference and ensure you too are ready and not just filling a void.

Look and Listen

Let’s face it, everyone “of a particular age” has a little baggage – baby mommas, exes, friends w/bennies (i.e., old shoes we no longer wear nor like) but there are some key signs to heed if only women would listen.

In the beginning of every relationship time must be spent learning each other and figuring out who you are together and individually. But if there’s one thing I know (and have seen happen that says so much) it is the moment when a man shows you who YOU are to him and just how much drama he tolerates.

True Story:  You’re dating or maybe living together and his ‘baggage’ by chance disrespects you let’s say.  This could be in the manner of seeing you both out and getting a little too friendly with him or baby momma coming over (was gonna say calling his home but who except for me has a home phone these days) and being rude to you.  Your 1st response is probably to get rowdy and reeeeead the chick but I have news my Well Heeled Soulsters……you will learn alot about the type of dude you have by what HE does.  He should address the situation at that moment and in no uncertain terms.  A man who does not defend you in such fashion says alot not only of his character but the type of guy he truly is.  I have yet to have to defend myself against  man’s “baggage” and never will (unless they are ‘coming for me’ which is a totally different situation).

I know someone who was remarried (the guy) and had a child with his ex-wife (1st wife) yet when the ex called the house and was a little rude, the chick did NOT go off as she could have, no she assessed the situation and listened.  The guy, who was and remains the perfect gentlemen politely informed his ex-wife that he would not tolerate her disrespecting his new wife and family.  Just like that.

Valuables and Worth:  Do not fight a man’s battles as he should be fighting yours.  Know that once a man stops trying your relationship becomes a party for 1 – YOU!  If you’re in a relationship just to be alone or lonely then why not just be ALONE.

So would you rather a shoe that fits or one that breeds discomfort and pain?

~Selena Dawn

Healing Your Brokenness….


Brokenness is like a disease, if not treated it can take over your life. And often times the one that is broken is unable to heal on their own. When a relationship is ending be it a marriage, friendship or partnership it is important to take an honest look at the role that you played in that disconnect, though hard, it is helpful to go deep within yourself evaluate you and determine if there is anything you could have done differently. The different could be from the way you interacted (communication, compromising, openness, etc.)  in the relationship to just were you true to yourself in the relationship. Take ownership!

The saying hurt people, hurt people is very true.  I recently had an experience where a broken person tried to hurt me by saying something that was so untrue, outside of my character and just down right rude, that it deeply hurt me. Initially I didn’t recognize the true issue but as I told the story to one of my confidants, I realized this person is not seeing the true issue for what it is, but instead is STILL trying to find fault and blame in me for the break down in our relationship.  Again take ownership and be honest  with yourself then the healing can begin. Don’t allow someone else’s brokenness become your broken mess!
The Selena Dawn