Rules of Engagement….engaging a mate!

looking for love

Chances are you’re in a relationship, just ending a relationship, wanting a relationship, recovering from your last relationship or just plain thinking about a relationship.  Everything is about a relationship today; if you’re single someone’s trying to hook you up with someone or wondering why you’re single; if you’re dating the talk is all about keeping the relationships together.

Let’s face it, we all think about them, desire to be in one, and/or long to share our lives with someone but often the challenge lies in the first step:  actually meeting someone who meets our ‘standards’ in order to begin creating a lasting and loving relationship.

Personally I think there are some simple, common sense type things that can open the doors to just meeting people….believe it or not that is the biggest complaint of a lot of women – how do I just meet a man, where are the men.

Agree or disagree but these things I have found to aid in both meeting men and keeping the attention of men:

1.  You gotta have an open mind.

We are often so closed minded that we keep ourselves from meeting people because we’re so quick to judge or think every man is trying to get with us.  How bout looking at meeting people as a means of making a new connection.  Next time you’re out anywhere, if a man speaks, uh speak back.  If a man is being friendly, there’s no harm in returning in kind.  It doesn’t mean he’s the man for you or trying to holler or that you have go out with him, it just simply shows you as personable or atleast open and approachable.  Either way what does it hurt.  Think of it as helping you put out good energy.  Trust I am well aware that when you’re at your local grocery store and you are approached, it is the last thing you want but say hello and graciously keep walking down the frozen food aisle.

2.  Get out and enjoy yourself, LIVE!

Since my young adult years I can remember hearing women complain about not having a good time while out for the eve solely because they didn’t meet anyone.  HUH?  My philosophy was always to go out because I wanted to get out and have a good time.  In that I was guaranteed to end the night pretty satisfied and usually ended up meeting someone.  Why? Because if you’re out enjoying yourself (i.e. not on the hunt and looking for a mate) then that shows in your attitude and men are attracted to that.  Most importantly though you had a good time because you allowed yourself to and not because you met a man.  Create a life for you so that you actually have something to share when your mate crosses your path.

Too often my women-friends have kept themselves from doing certain things because they didn’t have a date, or felt that it would be a couples event, or planned their entire evening on the chance of meeting a mate.  WRONG!  Get out there, go to that fancy restaurant, go to the Holiday party (take a she-thang/female friend), go on that trip you’ve been thinking about.  If you get out and just LIVE you never know, instead of getting out to find a mate you just may find yourself!

3.  Keep your “Mate Wishlist” and be cognizant of what you truly want in a mate but be open to make concessions (without jeopardizing your deal breakers, of course that means you know what your deal breakers are….).

We all have/had a “Mate Wishlist” or shall I say, the things we look for and desire in a mate.  First of all we must be realistic about what we want/desire in a mate.  Too often we say our mate must have all these things, yet none of which we have ourselves or have had in a mate.  That’s not fair.

Additionally, the reality is sometimes the person for you does not fall into that which you think/thought you desire(d) while their other characteristics far surpass your wants/needs.   For instance you prefer tall guys yet you meet a guy who’s personality pops (if that’s your thing), is chivalrous, open, has a career, kind, treats you like a lady, etc.  Well do you miss out on what could be a great guy because you’ve turned your nose at this guy because he’s not that tall?  I say no.

dating deal breakersSomeone near and dear to me met a guy, very attractive, creative, artist-type, good age – not too young not too old, open, chivalrous, a little mysterious, kinda marches to his own beat, but he was a small guy both in height and stature, he was also somewhat of a nomad with a life very different than hers.  Well initially it was just meeting to put a heartbeat with the online presence.  As the layers peeled back, his character, which she is most concerned with in a potential mate, spoke volumes so that his stature was less of an issue and so too was his lifestyle.  It then developed into a full on relationship that has continued to blossom.  She often reflects on how she would not have had this opportunity if she put her “Mate Wishlist” in stone without any wiggle room.

4.  For women…..(sorry men)…..the man MUST want/like you just a little bit more than you want/like him.

I don’t know why this is but there’s so much truth to it.  H/she who is in demand/wanted has the power.  It seems as though when the man wants, desires, and/or likes the woman more, he is more apt to go above and beyond to win her over; more willing to put in the work to secure her affection.

This is not about games as I don’t believe in playing games with people’s feelings, however it’s about taking your time and allowing the man to put in some work.  Women today and particularly of a ‘particular age’ are so quick to chase men that the man knows he has the upper hand and therefore doesn’t work as hard to get or keep the woman.  Now I’m not saying NOT to go after what you want because I’m all about that, but leave a little mystery in it so that you can be chased.

5.  Live in your truth, be YOU!

Who are you? What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you like Fall or Winter?

Yes, compromise is a part of life and most certainly a part of our interactions with other people.  However, let’s not sell ourselves short nor be anyone other than who we are when we meet someone or engage these relationships.  Always know your worth and know that a man worthy of you will accept you, he will meet you where you are, he will be willing to do the work, he will respect you.   Know that he who does not think you are worthy, see your worth nor value your worth is not deserving of you/your time and it’s OKAY.

For example, you just met and he invites you out.  He insists on picking you up at your home but that’s not really your thing when first meeting someone (rightfully so).  Instead of understanding that and accepting it by agreeing to some other meet up location, he gets an attitude or says something crazy.  Um, THIS is clearly not anyone you should want to deal with past this point.  It really is that simple.  You have to be true to yourself and value your worth as much as you would/should want someone else to.  The core of who you are, your morals, standards and principles should be adhered to and if they aren’t it is perfectly okay to PASS on he who does not accept nor respect that.

These are but a few rules of engagement.

Nothing of course if foolproof but this is atleast a start to preserving oneself.  All in all we must go with our gut instincts, follow our hearts while still using our heads.  Above all else don’t just settle for someone because they are the only ones available…..YOU are always available to yourself if you make it so.  You are faaaar more attractive if you are seen as a hot commodity!

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What are YOU bringing to the table?

Ahhhh the expectations of dating and meeting a mate in this new dating world or shall I say what one partner seeks in the next.

You’ve heard them and probably have your own “what I want in a partner” requirements:

God-fearing, tall, dark, independently wealthy, kids/no kids, a certain age, swirly, exotic, never been married, passionate, chivalrous, have some business about themselves, independent, and so on and so forth.

What I have found interesting of late is just how many of ‘us’ with these so called “partner wishlist” who themselves aren’t exactly bringing much to the table.

Case in point:  With the turn of the tables wherein women are breadwinners, go-getters, paving the way, and living their lives, I’ve heard single men constantly speak of the desire to have a woman who is independent, productive be it in school or with a job/career and doing/living well.  HOWEVER these same men are the very ones living hand to mouth, whose lives are in shambles or say bringing less than what they themselves are seeking in another while having just their own ass to wipe.  Huh?

Men are not alone however.

Case in point:  I’ve had single female friends with a long laundry list of wants and desires in their potential mate.  We’ve all heard it from one friend-girl to another – I want a man who makes a good living (some have the nerve to put a 6-figure tag on it), no kids, never married, drives a luxury vehicle, lives in this type of home, has this type of career, likes to travel, blah blah blah.  YET this same friend-girl is bringing NOTHING even close to this to the table.  Exsqueeze me???

Or, my favorite has been my friend-girls who focus solely on the materialistic things (which in today’s society with all this easy access to everything most people do unfortunately – not I but I digress).   Materialistic things say nothing about the person except perhaps they have expensive tastes.   I’ve long been a proponent of looking at the character of a person as character is WHO someone is no matter the situation which in the end will always tell you more about how they would be as a potential mate. Remember, just because a man has a nice car doesn’t mean he’s financially stable; no more than a man with say expendable cash will spend HIS expendable cash on you.  We have to dig deeper in our quest to pair up with another and usually, no it must ALWAYS begin with ourselves.

So the message here is simple, we need to take stock in ourselves by first being realistic about who we are, where we are in lives – our own lives, what we have to offer (really), and what truly matters to us at the end of the day.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves or others but realistically you are probably more likely to attract the things you seek and desire if you yourself are/possess those things (ever heard how “like attracts like”).

At the same token we must be OPEN as we’re hopefully out living our lives (not just on the search for a mate) because oftentimes he/she who is for us does not always appear in the form of our ‘list’.   It’s not always WHERE a person is in their lives that matters if they have the tools, vision, desire and drive to proceed to the next step/phase of their lives.  Meaning we must know what matters and allow that to be the deciding factor as to whether a person is worthy at each step of the courtship!

What are YOU bringing to the table?

~Selena Dawn