Live your best LIFE not your best LIE

LIFE…..oh what a splendid thing! An adventure; a journey; for some a mirage!

So many of us have become so good at living a life of lies [for others] that we are merely a shell of a person, of our true selves – empty on the inside.  No one said life would be easy and if you ask anyone of a ‘particular age’ they would no doubt admit that they had NO IDEA THIS is what life would be like (good, bad or indifferent)!

good on the insideUnfortunately we, as individuals, complicate life oftentimes because of our pasts, what did or did not happen; our decisions and choices; our failures, letdowns and disappointments. In the midst of this thing called ‘LIFE’ we love to paint a picture of [semi] perfection in which we gladly and freely hide behind so much that we often lose ourselves in the process.  WHO are YOU?!

Be it an empty, unfulfilled, no-love marriage/relationship; to general delusions of who we THINK we are or shall I say who we want others to think we are (check the everyday Facebook, twitter, IG, or any other social media status).  It all comes down to living a lie for fear of, and it’s usually fear of something,  most likely what others would think if they knew otherwise.

Prime example:  RELATIONSHIPS!

People stay in relationships with those they know they don’t care about, aren’t meshed with, have fallen out of love with, grown apart from, or just simply can’t stand not to mention a situation that has just have run its course.  WHY?

Here are a few of my thoughts as to why…..[just my thoughts]

1.  Society thinks highly of a “duo” a.k.a “coupledom” vs singlehood (have you seen all the commercials on dating websites?)!  Like when has being single been akin to having the plague?  Let’s not even talk about divorce when so many are looking for holy matrimony (the biggest lie, one I wish people especially women would bury deep in a grave).  How dare someone divorce because they are no longer equally yoked, or unfulfilled or empty or just not wanting to be that anymore.

2.  An honest yet still a fear is staying in order to spare the other person any hurt and pain.  THIS I can completely sympathize with however how long can the charade continue before you are truly just a shell of yourself?

3.  Who wants to be alone?  Well honestly if you’re in an unfulfilled, empty relationship/marriage then technically you are ALONE!  lie to others not yourself

4.  Some would rather be miserable with someone because the world has bought into their facade and to give that up would be the ultimate crime right?  Not really.

5.  Many think and will say aloud:  “Well there’s nothing else out there and besides nothing is perfect” [blank stare]!  This has always been a crazy way to reason or rationalize a bad relationship or reason to stay in a less than desirable one.  The worst crime ever to oneself is living a lie, settling, making excuses for what IS instead of facing what is for WHAT IT IS.  There is ALWAYS something else out there and it’s called LIFE!

Another example I find is projecting what we want others to see when versus just living our truths.  See what people forget is that the truth always shows up.

We must live for ourselves so that we can TRULY live for others.  Living every day in the land of make-believe does nothing for the soul, the inner being.  Saying it aloud and projecting does not make it so for the soul always knows and at the end of the day when you are alone with your thoughts, that inner voice is ultimately the one you want singing your praises vs reminding you of your truth.

Every day people get up and play dress up with themselves except instead of clothes they are putting on personalities, images, lifestyles, overall facades; trickery and tom foolery for a myriad of reasons.  I’d bet money to say that it is a heavy burden to carry and weighs them down daily (unless they self-medicate with addictions a.k.a band-aids).  There is no peace greater than that of inner peace.  Who wants to come ‘home’ to the true truth especially if we’ve been living an untruth all day?  That is merely existing, not living and who wants to waste their lives doing that?

life_new day

The beauty of life is that it’s never too late (until it’s too late) to make a change, to start anew, to reinvent oneself.  The hardest step is always the first but your inner being will be forever grateful.  As Iyanla [Vanzant] says, “you have to do the work” and really that is the secret.  Whatever you want to happen in your life will require work.  Often this work is tedious, unrewarding [at the time], and sometimes arduous but in the end it will all be worth it because whatever the outcome will be solely based on your merits in truth.

So no more excuses, no more tall tales, and empty promises; no more playing dress-up with your life, your story; no more existing vs living; no more lies to the world and mainly those you make to yourself.

The biggest lie you can and will ever tell is that which you tell yourself.  Start at the conclusion of this message by freeing yourself from the chains that you have placed upon you so you can truly live your best LIFE and not your best LIE!

Be well!!

 

 

 

Advertisements

Combating Emotional Vampires

Relationships are always an energy exchange. To continue feeling our best, we must ask ourselves: Who gives us energy? Who saps it? It’s important to be surrounded by supportive, heart-centered people who make us feel safe and secure. It’s equally important to pinpoint the emotional vampires, who, whether they intend to or not, leech our energy.

To protect your sensitivity, it’s imperative to name and combat these emotional vampires. They’re everywhere: co-workers, neighbors, family, and even friends. Through my work in energy psychiatry, I’ve treated a revolving door of patients who’ve been hit hard by drainers — a mental health epidemic that conventional medicine doesn’t recognize. I’m horrified by how many of these “emotionally walking wounded” (ordinarily perceptive, intelligent individuals) have become resigned to chronic anxiety or depression.

Why the blind spot? Most of us haven’t been educated about draining people or how we can emancipate ourselves from their clutches – requisite social skills for anyone who desires freedom. Emotional draining is a touchy subject. We don’t know how to tactfully address our needs without alienating others. The result is that we become tongue-tied or destructively passive. We ignore the warning from our gut that screams, “Beware!” Or, quaking in our boots, we’re so afraid of the faux pas of appearing “impolite” that we become martyrs in lieu of being respectfully assertive. We don’t speak out because we don’t want to be seen as “difficult” or uncaring.

Vampires do more than drain our physical energy. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you’re an unworthy, unlovable wretch who doesn’t deserve any better. The subtler species inflict damage that’s more of a slow burn. Smaller digs here and there can make you feel badly about yourself, such as, “Dear, I see you’ve put on a few pounds,” or “It’s not lady-like to interrupt.” In a flash, they’ve zapped you by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.

This is my credo for vampires: Their antics are unacceptable, and you must develop a successful plan for coping with them. I deeply believe in the merciful message of the Lord’s Prayer to “forgive people their trespasses,” but I’m also a proponent of preventing the unconscious or mean-spirited from trespassing against us. Taking a stand against draining people is a form of self-care and canny communication that you must practice to give your freedom its own legs!

What turns someone into an emotional vampire? First, a psychological reason: Children often reflexively mimic their parents’ most unflattering traits. A self-absorbed father can turn you into a self-absorbed son. Early modeling has impact. Studies of Holocaust survivors reveal that many became abusive parents themselves.

The second explanation involves subtle energy. I’ve observed that childhood trauma — mistreatment, loss, parental alcoholism, illness — can weaken a person’s energy. This energy leakage may condition those with such early wounds to draw on the vitality of others to compensate; this isn’t something most of us are even aware of. Nevertheless, the effects can be extreme. Visualize an octopus-like tendril extending from its energy field and glomming onto yours. Your intuition may register this as sadness, anger, fatigue, or a cloying, squirrelly feeling. The degree of mood change or physical reaction may vary. A vampire’s effects can stun like a sonic blast or make you slowly wilt. But it’s the rare drainer that sets out to purposely enervate you. The majority act unconsciously, oblivious to being an emotional drain.

emotional vampires imageLet me tell you the secret of how an energy vampire operates — so you can outsmart one.

A vampire goes in for the kill by stirring up your emotions. Pushing your buttons throws you off-center, which renders you easier to drain. Of all the emotional types, empaths are often the most devastated. However, certain emotional states increase everyone’s vulnerability. I myself am most susceptible to emotional vampires when I feel desperate, tired, or disempowered. Here are some other ways you can feel most at risk:

– Low self-esteem
– Depression
– A victim mentality
– Fear of asserting yourself
– Addiction to people-pleasing

When encountering emotional vampires, see what you can learn, too. It’s your choice. You can simply feel tortured, resentful, and impotent. Or, as I try to do, ask yourself, “How can this interchange help me grow?” Every nanosecond of life – good, bad, or indifferent — is a chance to become more emotionally free and enlarge your heart. If you’re to have any hope of breaking war-mongering patterns, you must play a part. As freedom fighters, strive to view vampires as opportunities to enlist your highest self and not become a sucker for negativity. Then you’ll leave smelling like a rose, even with major league Draculas.

Exercise 1: Determine If You Have an Emotional Vampire in Your Life

Anyone who has ever shared an office, car pool, or attended a family dinner with a vampire can attest to experiencing some common emotional side effects. Even after a brief contact, you feel worse; they feel better. To find out if you’ve been bled, watch for these signs.

– Your eyelids get heavy; you’re ready for a nap
– You feel put down, or like the rug was pulled out from under you
– Your mood takes a nose-dive
– You have an urge to binge on carbs or comfort food
– You feel sniped at or agitated

In addition, sometimes intuitive flashes and dreams can raise a red flag. For example, following a dinner I attended where the guests had something negative to say about everything, I experience a dream in which I was bombarded by a storm of leeches. Similarly, after a critical friend skewered one of my patients, she felt as if she’d fallen to the bottom of a well. Another patient dreamed that a pigeon pooped on her head — splat, there it was: her reaction to a nasty altercation with her apartment’s superintendent. Whether you’re awake or asleep, note any telling imagery that conveys emotion. This will help you identify a vampire.

Take an inventory of the people in your life who are potential drainers. List all your key family members, friends, and co-workers in a column; run down the list to see if any of them have an adverse affect on you when you’re in their company (or even simply on the phone with them).

Exercise 2: Take Time to Be With a Positive Person

Plan at least one complete afternoon with people who give off positive energy. Notice how this beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being.

Be well!

(The following is an excerpt from the “Combating Emotional Vampires” online course by Dr. Judith Orloff.)

 

Coping your way to a Well-Heeled Soul

LIFE….she’s a crazy broad that’s for sure.

Temperamental. Spiteful.  Comedian.  Full of surprises, tests, and pop quizzes.

Always finding a way to throw a monkey wrench in your plans.

Life most certainly has a strange sense of humor but SHE (as I’m certain LIFE is a woman) always has a way of showing up on your doorstep when you most need her, least expect her, or just plain not prepared to deal with her.  To anyone who thinks that LIFE only happens to them especially when that LIFE is less than desirable or uncomfortable or painful really needs a reality check.

We often ‘think’ we are the only ones being handed a pile of shambles but the truth is of course that at any given time everyone is carrying a load – just different in weight, size, shape, etc.   The difference is all in how we deal with it the WHAT that is happening to us.  Just like dealing with any living, breathing woman, if you smile, wave and keep it moving you’ll always keep em guessing but asking ‘her’ why she doesn’t like you and why is she always visiting will only make things awkward, more uncomfortable and never solve for X.

If I’ve learned nothing in my life (life of a woman of a particular age) it is that we must figure out how best to deal with LIFE’s peaks and valleys in order to be our best selves.  To weather the storms, peaks and valleys we MUST learn how to cope in the midst of.

Coping:  In psychology, coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.

Being a relatively rational, logical and even-keeled person (so I’ve heard and believe myself to be), I have wholeheartedly accepted that at any given time, life will come along and throw an entire monkey wrench into my world.  The process I take is always to embrace what is happening so I can deal with it realistically, acknowledge HOW I feel about so I can cry, get mad, have a cocktail (lol), pep talk, pound my fist, and then strap up my stilettos and strategize my resolution.  Above all else, I thank God and the universe that whatever has occurred was not worse – as things can ALWAYS be worse than what is – (i.e., nail in my tire enroute to an out of town function only to realize it because I chose to get gas prior to getting dressed and on the road for my trip.  My entire plan had to be revamped on the fly at the last minute – to include getting a rental car as it was a Saturday just prior to me departing and the tire – under warranty – needed to be looked at/repaired at the place of purchase in case it had to be totally replaced and said place was closed and 30 mins out the way [at no cost by the way]).  Not exactly the way I envisioned things to go but guaranteed that harping on it and thinking it was the end of the world would have only made me slip further into suicide mode.  Honestly I was just thrilled that I wasn’t on my way or on the interstate without realizing there was a nail.  So as life knocked on my door to say hello at a seemingly inopportune time, I was able to avoid a potentially worse situation by being slightly inconvenienced.  By acknowledging this the stars lined up in my favor(actually got a rental, was able to use my hertz free rental resulting in me paying just $9, got on the road, arrived late but safe).

To further substantiate how to minimize the blow via the mind’s view of life no matter what hand we are dealt let me share what could easily have been an entire bag of lemons and life shake-up but instead a tall glass of state fair freshly squeezed lemonade.

I heard something on the radio earlier today that adds a nice bow around “Coping your way to a Well-Heeled Soul” and it was something along these lines:

A lady recounted the day she was informed she had cancer and she stated that instead of asking God “why her” she simply said “Please give me the strength and courage to be a blessing to others as I go through my healing”…….pause on that for a second.

As much as one’s attitude in life is everything so too is your attitude TOWARDS life for looking at things with a woe is me attitude is defeatist and non-productive, not to mention changes NOTHING.  More often then not, doing so blocks your blessings if not completely blinds you to your blessing.

My coping practices:

1.  Acknowledge what has just occurred; taking stock of how it makes you feel and embrace those feelings (caveat:  if danger is present then identify safety measures, methods to remove self from the potential danger)

2.  Give thanks and gratitude for the positives of the situation as there ALWAYS is a positive

3.  Begin strategizing next steps, resolutions, etc.

4.  Breathe

5.  Execute strategy, next step(s), resolution

Above all else just count your blessings it may be RIGHT in front of you being less than grateful just closed the blessing door.  Know that life is just doing her job and for each test you either pass or fail.  Coping does not negate what is happening nor does it resolve for what is happening but it definitely empowers you to get back in the driver’s seat!

So next time LIFE shows up, talk to her, tell her she looks pretty today but let her know you are a Well-Heeled Soul and you have other things to do!

Alone Time….Party for 1

We only live once. We all have an expiration date after that we will never come again. I am not saying that to make you sad. I am saying that so you can cherish each moment in your life and be grateful that you are here and you are special.  – Pablo

You.Are.Special!   YOU are special….yes you!  If more people recognized this, and not in a narcissistic fashion, but in a way that enables them to give less of themselves away with very little ROI there would be a lot less broken, tattered individuals merely existing.  What exactly does that mean?  Well it’s quite simple.  How many stories have you heard from friends or friends of friends wherein said individual continuously accepted less than desirable behavior from another?  Too many times or perhaps you are that individual.

images (6)Why though?  Because you have not realized (yet) that you are special and worthy.  The ability to see this I believe comes from spending quality ‘alone’ time with yourself.   Not just alone time because you are alone, but alone time with your thoughts, feelings, emotions, core of your being.  Digging deep to address (read:  face) those things in your life that speak the loudest; address the joys and pains in your life both past and present to make peace with them; really identify WHO you are and what makes you tick.  For knowing WHO you truly are is the key to preserving as much of yourself and your worth as possible.

For example, by being one who has spent alot of quality ‘alone’ time with my party for 1, I know exactly what I deserve, how I expect to be treated by others, what I will and will not tolerate from others.  I’ve also learned to enjoy my alone time and not feel the need to surround myself with others just for the sake of having others around.  It has empowered me in a sense to not be afraid to speak up when someone treats me unkind or less than deserving.  As the saying goes, we must teach people how to treat us and we can only do this by communicating to others what is and is not acceptable merely by NOT being accepting of anything.

So as the quote above says, “……cherish each moment in your life and be grateful that you are here and you are special” and therefore NOT waste a single moment giving yourself away to things, people, situations that do not value and respect that including you.

What will you do to preserve YOUR special?

~Selena Dawn