When a Woman’s Fed Up…

So you probably think this will be some long rant about men doing women wrong or how men are bad and trifling and there are no good men out there.  Well no….not exactly!  Instead this is more about women finding their strength, their voice to not subject themselves to relationships that leave them feeling disrespected, dazed and confused.

Surely we all have or have had that one friend who continues to allow herself to be disrespected, disregarded, and otherwise treated unkind in her relationship.  For some of us watching this train wreck from the sidelines it is easy to resort to name calling as we attempt to get her to see that the relationship and/or partner is no good for her.  For a small number of us we see the train wreck yet do what we can to just support our friend while reassuring her that we will be there as a friend with no judgment or criticism of her relationship.

No matter which role we play, we can all agree on one thing and that is the fact that a woman will only choose to end a relationship once she is fed up or simply has had ENOUGH!  This threshold of “enough” varies based on our perception of our self-worth, our value system, confidence levels, self-esteem and overall tolerance.

It IS hard to watch a loved one or anyone you care about put themselves through such unnecessary grief but only she who is in the relationship can make the choice to remove herself and typically that ONLY happens when she has truly become fed up.  A relationship, although trying at times should NOT be an ongoing battle of blatant disrespect no matter the situation.

It is truly like watching a really bad movie yet being unable to press stop.  You know, screaming at the actors on the screen, yelling instructions to them and shaking your head at the obvious.    YET, it’s as if no one hears you, the bad movie continues with the actors executing their story lines.  Much like the many women day in and day who execute their story lines because they aren’t strong enough to do otherwise.  The only you can do is sit back and watch while hoping the ‘movie’ ends soon.

There is no greater lie than the one women tell themselves and only when they get T I R E D will they face the music and dig deep to choose better.  You see, we all get tired of something and only then do we have [find] the courage to change our situation versus allowing the situation to change us.  There is nothing anyone can say to convince her to leave for she will only leave or discontinue the disrespect when she is fed up.

As in life, everything is a process and she who feels trapped or stuck in a nothing relationship will tire of the lies (to herself and others) and will realize she is much better than that which she is allowing.

So I challenge you to ponder the following:

– Does this feel good to me (a certain behavior, interaction, etc.)?

– Have I thought that I deserve better?

– Do I compensate for his bad behavior (thru excuses I make on his behalf; lies I tell myself/others)?

– Does this add to or take away from who I am as a person?

When will you be fed up?

 

Preserving your WORTH like you preserve your favorite things

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley

fashionable silhouettesPreserving your WORTH!!  Just how does one go about doing that you ask?

Well I can tell you this, if I hear one more sad, sob story from my lady friends where they were “done wrong” by a man/their dude or how they are soooo hurt because of the actions of another I am going to scream!  No I’m not insensitive nor unreasonable, quite the opposite.  I just realize that too often these very women are ENABLING, ALLOWING, almost ENCOURAGING such behavior by constantly giving away their POWER!

Now I DO realize that understanding our worth is the first step and too often because we are sooo broken we aren’t quite able to do this.  THAT I get!  However, WHEN are WE gonna realize that people will continue to do to us what we allow them to do.

If we think of our “WORTH” as we do the worth and value we put on our things, then perhaps we’ll apply the same rules and demand the same ROI (return on our investment).  When we value something we protect it right? We tend to treat it with care and aren’t as eager to allow anyone to mistreat it no willingly give it away.  We should do the same with ourselves.

Life is best learned through examples right?  Well here are a few scenarios [real life tragedies] that may help to paint the picture of the pain we inflict upon ourselves:

1.  You just met him and have been ‘involved’ with him for say a month or perhaps without a good grasp of the basic fundamentals of WHO he is…..you move him into to your place where you and your child(ren) live.  Come again!!  Let him EARN his way into your life!

THIS has been played out everywhere (just watch Maury)!  Why must we feel the need to move a grown man into our homes especially when we have a child/children so soon?  There should be a grace period of sorts, like when you start a new job.  Even employers enact the 90 day trial period where you are typically NOT fully ’employed’ until that probation period ends.  Why not you with that new man in your life?  TRUST if a man wants to be with you or feels you are worthy, he will wait or respect your wishes or hell have enough going on for himself that he is not eager to just move in with you.

2.  You go out solely to find a man, new suitor, etc.  

THIS is so wrong and setting you up for a letdown.  Why?  Because your level of enjoyment is measured by the off-chance you happen to meet someone vs the how much you enjoyed yourself in general.  Since as far back as I can remember, I have always gone out with the only expectation of enjoying myself and having a good time.  9 times out of 10 I have done just that – HAD A GREAT TIME and it had nothing to do with meeting someone.  Usually I have met another just because I wasn’t pressed to do so AND I was seen as loving life or atleast that moment.  When you put your happiness in meeting someone else you’re really setting yourself up as your outing success will always be measured by whom you met.

There is nothing more exciting than a woman out having a grand time and enjoying life.  This woman ALWAYS gets attention for nothing more than enjoying the space she’s in!

3.  Understand your DEAL BREAKERS; or perhaps set some!  Deal breakers are those things I like to refer to as non-negotiables when dealing with others.  Although few things are 1 size fits all if you live by those things that should they occur the relationship would forever be changed [if not over altogether] then you’ll have a better understanding of WHAT you’ll tolerate.  They should not be anything you find acceptable or say once they occur you then change it for fear of losing the relationship or individual.

For example:  if domestic violence is something you identify as your deal breaker (let’s be honest some may roll their eyes at this as a given but many women deal with this but say they wouldn’t) well the minute it occurs no matter the reason then you must understand and execute upon the actions you’ve set as the consequence.

If cheating is just something you refuse to tolerate then the moment it happens it is non-negotiable, relationship changed or over.  You must MEAN it.  Anything you say that you negate on will lose its’ power immediately!

This can be a hard pill to swallow but it puts the power in your hands and not that of another.  How do you ask?  Say you have no such deal  breaker and God-forbid a situation occurs.  Most likely, they’ll apologize, you’ll accept because they didn’t mean it and you’ll both attempt to move on.  Well now that threshold has been reached and there were no consequences so what’s to prevent it from occurring again?  Nothing.  In many cases when anything you’ve said you wouldn’t tolerate occurs and yet you forgive it, the ‘levy’ has been weakened.  Think about that.

4.  Being a ‘nice’ person is no excuse for being foolish/used!

So what your “friend” only has “X” amount of dollars until pay day or to go out with or to get from point A to point B.  Giving him money when you barely have a pot to piss in or steady income or able to really take care of yourself is unacceptable!!  (true story by the way). I, myself am a generous person in general and not just with a man but with all my friends.  However I give WHAT I want, because I want and not because of an expectation of getting something in return such as say the affection of another.  You see there IS a difference.  This person wanted this man so bad that she gave him monies she really didn’t have and this man went on his way with not so much as a call until nearly 2 months later.  The Hell??  We have to be more careful!

5.  Demand and EXPECT respect!

Again people will treat you how you allow them to treat you.  A man will only do TO you what you let him.  If it doesn’t ‘feel’ good it probably isn’t good for you.  A man worthy of your time, attention, care, and love will recognize the quality of all of those things and what it takes to get them.  We should never fear losing someone due to our demand for respect or to be treated fairly!  If they are so willing and quick to leave then really how bad did they wanna be there in the first place?

~Selena Dawn