Can’t blame them if you’ve given THEM your power….

Sigh….I am at such a loss when chatting with my folks as they cry and complain about the behavior of an ex, or soon to be ex or current partner or friend etc.  When are we going to realize that we hold the key to WHO we deal with, HOW we deal with them, and WHEN or IF we deal with them??

It’s not enough to merely speak on what you will and will not put up with when you continue to put up with said behavior.  We have to remember that we control our own lives and people can only do to us what we allow them to by what we allow them to do.

In relationships, which so many are so desperate for, we often give passes to piss poor behavior yet wonder why ‘he’ continues to display the same behavior.  Listen, we’ve all been suckers for love and even convinced ourselves that the relationship is value-add and worthy when we know and feel otherwise.  It’s not enough to just be with someone if we are left to feel empty, disrespected, and all around neglected.  Relationships are challenging enough as it is but when we allow ourselves to be at the mercy of the relationship versus guiding and cultivating it by holding steadfast to set standards we are giving our power away.

Too often, we give those who bring so little to the table, too much of our power by not setting boundaries for ourselves and holding people accountable for their actions.  More often than not, our desire for love, acceptance, attention, lack of self-worth etc. far outweigh our personal standards or guiding principles.  When this imbalance occurs, we are more apt to accept damn near anything from anybody which largely leads to mistreatment, emptiness and a diminished power.

Preservation of self is key to ensuring you aren’t sacrificing your self-respect for the sake of being a party for 2.   People ‘tell’ you who they are all the time merely by their behavior(s) in the day to day.  If you choose to ignore what their actions are telling you then you can truly only blame yourself for they are doing exactly what you have given them permission to.  Instead of blaming other people, say the dude who cheats yet we come back each and every single time, how bout we look internally to determine why we’ve turned a blind eye to the behavior; that we have somehow given him a free pass to do so by our mere acceptance of it.  No, we can’t make anyone do anything he/she does not want to do but trust that we can always force the hand by controlling what WE do in response to someone else’s actions.

We can’t focus on others so much as we can on ourselves when it comes to acceptable behavior for we must first define, understand, communicate (through our actions and acceptance) what we expect and will tolerate in a consistent fashion.  So I charge everyone with reclaiming or reassessing your power and ensuring that you relinquish only to those who are deserving through proven consistent actions.

Be well!

 

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Alone Time….Party for 1

We only live once. We all have an expiration date after that we will never come again. I am not saying that to make you sad. I am saying that so you can cherish each moment in your life and be grateful that you are here and you are special.  – Pablo

You.Are.Special!   YOU are special….yes you!  If more people recognized this, and not in a narcissistic fashion, but in a way that enables them to give less of themselves away with very little ROI there would be a lot less broken, tattered individuals merely existing.  What exactly does that mean?  Well it’s quite simple.  How many stories have you heard from friends or friends of friends wherein said individual continuously accepted less than desirable behavior from another?  Too many times or perhaps you are that individual.

images (6)Why though?  Because you have not realized (yet) that you are special and worthy.  The ability to see this I believe comes from spending quality ‘alone’ time with yourself.   Not just alone time because you are alone, but alone time with your thoughts, feelings, emotions, core of your being.  Digging deep to address (read:  face) those things in your life that speak the loudest; address the joys and pains in your life both past and present to make peace with them; really identify WHO you are and what makes you tick.  For knowing WHO you truly are is the key to preserving as much of yourself and your worth as possible.

For example, by being one who has spent alot of quality ‘alone’ time with my party for 1, I know exactly what I deserve, how I expect to be treated by others, what I will and will not tolerate from others.  I’ve also learned to enjoy my alone time and not feel the need to surround myself with others just for the sake of having others around.  It has empowered me in a sense to not be afraid to speak up when someone treats me unkind or less than deserving.  As the saying goes, we must teach people how to treat us and we can only do this by communicating to others what is and is not acceptable merely by NOT being accepting of anything.

So as the quote above says, “……cherish each moment in your life and be grateful that you are here and you are special” and therefore NOT waste a single moment giving yourself away to things, people, situations that do not value and respect that including you.

What will you do to preserve YOUR special?

~Selena Dawn  

Protect Your Time, Preserve YOUR Worth!

Time IS our most precious commodity, yet too often too many of us give it away like it’s a 2-for-1 deal!  As we are so eager to have companionship or a relationship, we move too quick thereby missing too many signs or allowing the mystery and intrigue to peak.  At the end of the day, 24 hours is still just 24 hours; never more but usually less depending on how one manages it.

Protecting your time….what exactly does that mean?  The premise behind this is quite simple and does not involve trickery nor game playing atleast not in the sense of those silly relationship games we women are too often accused of playing.

Quite simply it is the act of guarding your time  until someone has proven to be worthy of it; it is as simple as not being so available especially when first meeting a suitor.  It is NOT pretending you have something or someone better as that would be playing a game and honestly I think being honest about who you are, what you expect and deserve (when you know who/what that is of course) is better than any game and usually earns respect from those who matter.

Case in point:  you meet a suitor, most likely the first interaction will be a text and I’m not bashing that, however they should set up a ‘date’ to actually meet you for real and beyond a text fest.  One who (most likely) has business about themselves or at best obligations and/or responsibilities will respect AND expect the same therefore not expecting you to just ‘drop what you’re doing’ nor to be ‘sitting around doing nothing’ for a 1st date that same day or just on a whim.  NO, you want someone who respects your time enough AND has some forethought to atleast plan a date – yes plan.

I often use this as my gauge although let’s be honest, nothing is 100% but for me it comes down to preserving my worth by not giving my time away so freely.  I usually could care less about making a statement or proving anything.  What I’ve learned however in being such a steward of my time is a mutual respect, a desire from another to prove THEY themselves are worthy to me.  Imagine that!  Guarding my time also enables me to minimize and often eliminate an unworthy suitor just based on their response or reaction to my time guard.

Case in point:  you meet a suitor on a Tuesday afternoon in some random location.  You do the usual textfest…I mean it IS the NEW normal for communicating.  This new suitor on this same Tuesday says how much they want to see you.  Red Flag!!  You just met so WHAT does that mean really?  Anyhoo, new Tuesday suitor asks if you can meet up this same Tuesday night.  The Selena Dawn response is um, negative!  Here’s why.  You’ve not given this new Tuesday suitor anything to work towards.  In this case, they don’t have to work (if you agree to meet).  In this case, one would surmise that you are an easy mark, needy, too eager, no real life as you so quickly dropped what you had going on (if anything at all) to meet this stranger.

You see, if new Tuesday suitor is beyond the hit it and quit it, or fast-food interactions, then you saying “no” to the same-day-we-met-date, then they will respect that and know that your time is valuable.  Additionally, whether you are sitting around knitting or playing with your hands is of no concern of anyone but the message (again) is that you are worth some forethought, some future scheduling, and most importantly worth the wait.

As they say, anything worth having is worth waiting for and at the end of the day you want someone who believes, feels, lives, and breathes knowing that you are worth.  When YOU respect and protect your own time then others will as well either on their own through your actions or by force through your actions!

There is definitely a thin line between playing games, putting someone off and the like (neither of which this blog supports) however the message again is just that you have to believe that you are worth it before anyone else is.   This of course isn’t fool proof in that you may find a few who snuck through and wasted your time but guaranteed there will be a lot less of that and alot more of moments and memories created on your terms which by my account is NEVER a waste of time.

~Selena Dawn

 

Preserving your WORTH like you preserve your favorite things

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley

fashionable silhouettesPreserving your WORTH!!  Just how does one go about doing that you ask?

Well I can tell you this, if I hear one more sad, sob story from my lady friends where they were “done wrong” by a man/their dude or how they are soooo hurt because of the actions of another I am going to scream!  No I’m not insensitive nor unreasonable, quite the opposite.  I just realize that too often these very women are ENABLING, ALLOWING, almost ENCOURAGING such behavior by constantly giving away their POWER!

Now I DO realize that understanding our worth is the first step and too often because we are sooo broken we aren’t quite able to do this.  THAT I get!  However, WHEN are WE gonna realize that people will continue to do to us what we allow them to do.

If we think of our “WORTH” as we do the worth and value we put on our things, then perhaps we’ll apply the same rules and demand the same ROI (return on our investment).  When we value something we protect it right? We tend to treat it with care and aren’t as eager to allow anyone to mistreat it no willingly give it away.  We should do the same with ourselves.

Life is best learned through examples right?  Well here are a few scenarios [real life tragedies] that may help to paint the picture of the pain we inflict upon ourselves:

1.  You just met him and have been ‘involved’ with him for say a month or perhaps without a good grasp of the basic fundamentals of WHO he is…..you move him into to your place where you and your child(ren) live.  Come again!!  Let him EARN his way into your life!

THIS has been played out everywhere (just watch Maury)!  Why must we feel the need to move a grown man into our homes especially when we have a child/children so soon?  There should be a grace period of sorts, like when you start a new job.  Even employers enact the 90 day trial period where you are typically NOT fully ’employed’ until that probation period ends.  Why not you with that new man in your life?  TRUST if a man wants to be with you or feels you are worthy, he will wait or respect your wishes or hell have enough going on for himself that he is not eager to just move in with you.

2.  You go out solely to find a man, new suitor, etc.  

THIS is so wrong and setting you up for a letdown.  Why?  Because your level of enjoyment is measured by the off-chance you happen to meet someone vs the how much you enjoyed yourself in general.  Since as far back as I can remember, I have always gone out with the only expectation of enjoying myself and having a good time.  9 times out of 10 I have done just that – HAD A GREAT TIME and it had nothing to do with meeting someone.  Usually I have met another just because I wasn’t pressed to do so AND I was seen as loving life or atleast that moment.  When you put your happiness in meeting someone else you’re really setting yourself up as your outing success will always be measured by whom you met.

There is nothing more exciting than a woman out having a grand time and enjoying life.  This woman ALWAYS gets attention for nothing more than enjoying the space she’s in!

3.  Understand your DEAL BREAKERS; or perhaps set some!  Deal breakers are those things I like to refer to as non-negotiables when dealing with others.  Although few things are 1 size fits all if you live by those things that should they occur the relationship would forever be changed [if not over altogether] then you’ll have a better understanding of WHAT you’ll tolerate.  They should not be anything you find acceptable or say once they occur you then change it for fear of losing the relationship or individual.

For example:  if domestic violence is something you identify as your deal breaker (let’s be honest some may roll their eyes at this as a given but many women deal with this but say they wouldn’t) well the minute it occurs no matter the reason then you must understand and execute upon the actions you’ve set as the consequence.

If cheating is just something you refuse to tolerate then the moment it happens it is non-negotiable, relationship changed or over.  You must MEAN it.  Anything you say that you negate on will lose its’ power immediately!

This can be a hard pill to swallow but it puts the power in your hands and not that of another.  How do you ask?  Say you have no such deal  breaker and God-forbid a situation occurs.  Most likely, they’ll apologize, you’ll accept because they didn’t mean it and you’ll both attempt to move on.  Well now that threshold has been reached and there were no consequences so what’s to prevent it from occurring again?  Nothing.  In many cases when anything you’ve said you wouldn’t tolerate occurs and yet you forgive it, the ‘levy’ has been weakened.  Think about that.

4.  Being a ‘nice’ person is no excuse for being foolish/used!

So what your “friend” only has “X” amount of dollars until pay day or to go out with or to get from point A to point B.  Giving him money when you barely have a pot to piss in or steady income or able to really take care of yourself is unacceptable!!  (true story by the way). I, myself am a generous person in general and not just with a man but with all my friends.  However I give WHAT I want, because I want and not because of an expectation of getting something in return such as say the affection of another.  You see there IS a difference.  This person wanted this man so bad that she gave him monies she really didn’t have and this man went on his way with not so much as a call until nearly 2 months later.  The Hell??  We have to be more careful!

5.  Demand and EXPECT respect!

Again people will treat you how you allow them to treat you.  A man will only do TO you what you let him.  If it doesn’t ‘feel’ good it probably isn’t good for you.  A man worthy of your time, attention, care, and love will recognize the quality of all of those things and what it takes to get them.  We should never fear losing someone due to our demand for respect or to be treated fairly!  If they are so willing and quick to leave then really how bad did they wanna be there in the first place?

~Selena Dawn

Wardrobe Choices like Life Choices we make

We pass through this world but once. Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within. – Stephen Jay Gould

 

images (2)It’s one thing to lie outwardly about your outfit but something totally different and must drastic  is to lie internally to oneself.  In life and one’s life journey, we will encounter numerous of interactions i.e. “relationships” with another person.  Note that this is not limited to those JUST the intimate ones but any interaction with another.  What is baffling to me after many recent conversations with random acquaintances are the lies we apparently tell ourselves, the ‘concessions’ we make just to deal!  Yet the end result is just more hurt, pain and disappoint.

There is something to be said for having a well-rounded life with varying interests, people you can have a good time with, passions/events, activities you can engage in which all lend themselves to creating a life bigger than yourself thus enabling you a diverse arena to expand upon who you are.

When we throw all of our apples into one thing – a man and especially one who was not worthy of such commitment to begin with we feel loss, we in fact lose most of our control and power.  The last thing we want to relinquish power on is our being in this world.  We must first acknowledge and make peace with exactly WHO we are as individuals inside out; we must know and understand our worthy – that we are worthy; we must make the decisions that have our best interests at heart (not in a selfish way but a responsible where everyone ultimately benefits).  Let’s focus on controlling that which is in our power and allow the rest to happen according to the life plan.

broken silhouetteWe can lie about our outfit; the designer, our shoe size and no one will be the wiser but when we lie to ourselves or others about our relationships we are prohibiting ourselves healing and subsequently moving forward holistically!  I had a conversation with someone today who had been taken to through the ringer (silliness) but continued to lie to herself about her relationship.  Meanwhile, he has moved on, living his life, and continuing to treat you  he has yet as you’ve regained our ‘sight’ you realize now you deserve more.  To get more it should not include spreading this baggage to the next without taking time to cleanse, to rid yourself of what was.  It is not about forgetting as much as it is about acknowledging, making peace and knowing that ‘we’ will do better; that we will not satisfy the pains of the last with more pain from the next.

Like choosing a bad outfit, if we just ignore it vs understanding WHY we chose those pieces we’d be doomed to repeat it.  In life, if instead of embracing the pain and transgressions in hopes of doing different we will continue to pick the same Outfit selection.

There truly is nothing worst than being out in a bad or less than desirable outfit….can ruin a whole night!

 

– Selena Dawn

 

Getting to YOU!

Early one recent Saturday morning I was awaken because I had fallen asleep with my TV on.  I had fallen asleep to a sitcom but was awaken by some “inspirational show”.  Normally I would immediately turn it off but as I searched for the remote with one eye open in a TV lit room something caught my attention!  The speaker was spot on and from what I gathered the goal of course is to have a foundation in the Creator, but also being able to encourage and motivate yourself, become healed, become successful at what you desire, and pass the message.  A few points resonated with me and this is my take on them:

Self portrait determines self confidence:  The picture that you would like to paint of yourself should be the who, what and how of you…who you truly are, what you surround yourself with, and how you perceive yourself.

Attitude determines access: Knowing that you are of greatness and can achieve greatness in your passion allows for endless possibilities.

Recognize the positive in every situation: Know that things don’t just happen, believe that your steps are ordered and that being true to you and in your daily walk having the strength to sit on the park bench, breathe during the “storms” of life, and find the silver lining will take you far. Find that favorite quote, song, saying or scripture and repeat it daily.

Decisions decide wealth: Wealth may not be monetary, but peace, happiness or all of the above. We have to believe that every right decision is placing us one step closer to the place of wealth that we each desire.

I was so taken with the message that I took notes and I’m working on exercising them. This journey to getting to me is a trip worth taking! Let’s go!