When your shoes don’t fit……

How many times have you seen a banging pair of heels only to realize they do not have your size? How often have you sacrificed a little pain and discomfort for the sake of copping that banging pair in a half-size too small?  I’m sure many can relate and would gladly raise a hand or two.

Wearing an ill-fitted shoe is not only uncomfortable but can also lead to all sorts of problems with the tipsy-toes.  Well how bout that ill-fitted relationship?  Yeah you thought this was about the shoegame but alas my dear we’re digging deep to the damage we – yes ladies, ‘we’ – cause ourselves by staying in relationships that are ill-fitted and usually for all the wrong reasons even when the signs are written all up and through the relationship.

Let’s be real, nothing and no one is perfect – goes without saying but before anyone mentioned it I figured I’d put it out first – however a relationship should at best and on most days be comfortable and consistent for starters.  Just like forcing a size 8 into a size 7 creates discomfort if not pain, forcing a man to be with you through trickery, lies you tell yourself, neglecting your worth, ignoring his actions which says he wants something else, damaging your self-esteem and securities (to name a few) creates much of the same.

What He SAYS vs What He DOES

Love that does not come freely should not be a love that you want.  Now that does not mean that the first sign of struggle or challenge you throw in the towel, no quite the opposite you should fight for a love that is worthy.  Both parties though must be fighting FOR and not against the relationship for it to be a fight worth having.  If a man proclaims his feelings for you yet his actions show he’s still hung up on an ex or ‘looking’ for other women/encounters then his word should not carry ANY weight.  Ask his intent and make your decision.

True Story:  You’re in a relationship (together) and he says he wants to be with you yet he only sees you when it’s convenient for him, on a whim, in spurts.  He spends more time with or interests in an ex or BM or ex-wife or any of the other ladies of leisure.  Umm, I’m gonna say he only wants you when he wants you – for convenience sake – and not because he wants to build something with you or is really feeling you.   Ask his intent and make your decision.  Do NOT spend your time investigating and researching if he’s already showed you his intent…..move on.

If a man says he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him.  Choosing to still entertain him because he has a weak moment only hurts yourself.  When we choose to engage in situations where it’s clear the other person has other plans then saying to oneself that “I’m just getting what I can” or “he got that goodgood” is selling yourself short and in most cases setting you up for something you’re not prepared to handle.   At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and to be wanted.  To convince yourself that you are does not make it so.

Valuables and Worth:  The choice to be with another is just that – a CHOICE – and one that each should make willingly.  Please understand the difference and ensure you too are ready and not just filling a void.

Look and Listen

Let’s face it, everyone “of a particular age” has a little baggage – baby mommas, exes, friends w/bennies (i.e., old shoes we no longer wear nor like) but there are some key signs to heed if only women would listen.

In the beginning of every relationship time must be spent learning each other and figuring out who you are together and individually. But if there’s one thing I know (and have seen happen that says so much) it is the moment when a man shows you who YOU are to him and just how much drama he tolerates.

True Story:  You’re dating or maybe living together and his ‘baggage’ by chance disrespects you let’s say.  This could be in the manner of seeing you both out and getting a little too friendly with him or baby momma coming over (was gonna say calling his home but who except for me has a home phone these days) and being rude to you.  Your 1st response is probably to get rowdy and reeeeead the chick but I have news my Well Heeled Soulsters……you will learn alot about the type of dude you have by what HE does.  He should address the situation at that moment and in no uncertain terms.  A man who does not defend you in such fashion says alot not only of his character but the type of guy he truly is.  I have yet to have to defend myself against  man’s “baggage” and never will (unless they are ‘coming for me’ which is a totally different situation).

I know someone who was remarried (the guy) and had a child with his ex-wife (1st wife) yet when the ex called the house and was a little rude, the chick did NOT go off as she could have, no she assessed the situation and listened.  The guy, who was and remains the perfect gentlemen politely informed his ex-wife that he would not tolerate her disrespecting his new wife and family.  Just like that.

Valuables and Worth:  Do not fight a man’s battles as he should be fighting yours.  Know that once a man stops trying your relationship becomes a party for 1 – YOU!  If you’re in a relationship just to be alone or lonely then why not just be ALONE.

So would you rather a shoe that fits or one that breeds discomfort and pain?

~Selena Dawn